Life as it is.....

Well, I finished my anatomy project and am gleefully awaiting my impeding presentation. I'm bored out of my mind and then I remembered HEY I have something to entertain myself with and it is on the internet. Recently I've been noticing that I am actually pretty darn good at these oral presentations and have been questioning whether I truly what to be a physical therapist or something a bit more interesting like a curator or something along those line. Honestly I wouldn't even mind being one of those chicks on the travel channel or the history channel who go to Myanmar or Thailand and taste foods that mostly consist of arthropods (seriously, in Thailand they eat them like chips) 

Although the thought of eating right now terrifies me. My wisedom teeth are growing in and I'm in so much pain right now. (>.<)

It was just playing
It never really meant anything

So what if I got my hopes up
They're down now 

Aren't they?

This business.....I don't like it

Ugh Such a headache
I get the feeling
That....is just not for me

The only thing I can say is
I hope you and her
Make it through the hard times

A lizard died.....and it made me cry.


You know those really cute ones that somehow manage to get into the house, well yeah it died and it made me cry.

"Why?" you ask. Welll it was the way in which the little thing died.

I was in the kitchen with my dad and we were heating up the food my mother had prepared for us earlier. I was gonna put something in the sink when I let out a tiny cry. My Dad came next to me and asked me, "What's the matter with you?"

Let me clarify one thing....I am NOT afraid of lizards. In fact I find them to be really adorable and I particularly like the fact that they are so tiny. But the thing is because they are so tiny and so fragile looking, I get really nervous around them cause I'm scared of hurting them. To top it off, when I was younger I used to love catching lizards. But there was this one time when I got one and held it a bit closer to my face than I should have. The little guy started squirming around a lot and I held onto him tighter than I meant to.

"Eeeeeeee-euh....." was the sound it made before going completely limp between my fingers.

Ever since that incident I decided to never touch a lizard with my hands. It also contributed to my eventual anxiety when having one so close to me.

Well there was a lizard in the sink. It's eyes were really wide even though they were the size of tomato seeds. Before I could say anything my dad turned on the faucet and started to spray it. with the little hose like device beside the spout.  I started crying out for him to stop, but he just kept spraying it  and I brought my hands to my face before walking away. He finally shut the water off and asked, "There is that better?"

I couldn't even speak from how furious and sad I was. I kept biting my tongue so I wouldn't burst out crying. I was mourning the loss of the little guy and my dad only teased me.

I set our meals on the table and saw my dad reaching for the button to the food disposal (That thing that has the ability of crushing and "powderizing" food and bone)

Enough was enough, I thought and without thinking I smacked my Dad's hand with the wooden spoon I'd used to serve, really, really, REALLY hard.

I must  be coming off as incredibly unreasonable and as I think a bit more, it is such an insignificant incident. But I can't seem to help but put myself in the position of the lizard and I freak out. What must it feel like to go down the drain? I picture it to be extremly dark like a tunnel. I hate the darkness.  I imagine the deathly silence. I detest silence, ask anyone who knows me. Then I imagine hearing the sound of thick metal as it is starting to crank up. The sound the  food disposal makes as  it is about to be turned on.  And I freak.

Well its' dead and gone now. But I still can't help and feel a little sad.

It was such a pretty lizard to. The marks on it's back reminded me of a tigar.

BTW has anyone killed something and then regretted it? Just wondering of course.

Well I haven't updated in forever so I felt it was time to write. Nothing that interesting has happened recently. A month ago when my birthday came around I found myself in Disney which was like a dream coming true. I felt like a little girl and I cried (don't laugh at me) when the show would come up and the disney characters would walk around and shake hands with everyone. The only thing that made me sad was that I had promised myself that I would meet and take a picture with Mickey on this trip, but the closest I got to the classic character, was Donald Duck. ^.^ Still I was happy and I had lots of fun with my Dad. The only irritating thing about the whole trip was that my mother behaved like a diva the whole time, complaining about her feet and how hot the weather was. 

I'm  a little excited about today. I'm finally gonna go to Samurai, the Japanese Restauraunt in front of the Falls and I've always wanted to go there. 

Eeeep!!! My tummy is doing funny movements. I'm so happy. I get to see my buddies today. ^.^




Five intersting things I found out on the way to Disney and at Disney:

Fact:
There is such a thing as ice cream made from goat's milk....

Fact:
Gaylord is the name of a very expensive five star hotel line in Kissime....

Fact:
Goat's milk can also produce fudge.....

Fact:
There is a street named Minute Maid........

Fact:
Walt Disney's, father's name was Elias........ <----(^.^ found that to be interesting) 

Last night I had a dream with Die.

No it wasn't anything at all naughty it was just really funny and weird.

So I was walking down the street and now that I think about it the scenary was alot like what one will see in the urban underdeveloped parts of Colombia. That means that the streets are usually broken, with the debris still lying inside the cracks on the curb and along the edge of the side walk.  I wasn't alone I was with some relatives, cousins and all girls, I just can't remember who. We were just messing around and trying to decide whether to go into a gift store that sell stuffed animals.
I look to my right and I start to freak out when lo and behold Die is leaning against a soot ridden brick wall with a cigarrette ready to light in hand. (For those of you who may not be familiar with Die he is the super sexy guitarist of Dir en grey....well the other sexy guitarist.) Andway I'm having a panic attack and I start to shake one of my cousins very violently and point at him telling her in Spanish, "That's Die, that's Die, that's Die?"  Of course she doesn't know who the hell he is because "dee dee dee"  she doesn't listen to Japanese Rock like I do. So I sort of push her aside and run over to him, (mind you if I actually saw the guy in real life I probably would have been more subtle about my fangirly-ness)
For some reason instead of switching to English, which might have proved to be a sturdier bridge to cross in that huge language gap he and I had,  I start telling him in Spanish that I'm a huge fan of his, that I think he's cute, that he's an awesome guitarist, blah, blah, blah whatever stuff a fan would say to  their current  obsession.

Then....... he just starts laughing.

 And I get really embaressed, but I remember in the dream I was extremly desperate to communicate with him. I remember thinking in the dream, "Why the fuck can't I make incoherent sentences to communicate in Japanese like I do with Rina-chan? Have the J-Dramas taught me absolutely nothing?" So after I while I start using lots of hand signals.

And he starts to laughs even harder.

So I start getting irritated and at one point I stomp my foot to symbolize my aggrivation. And then with a huge ass grin, Die stomps his foot too. My jaw drops with apall at the fact that he just imitated me. So I'm like forget you, and I fling my arms out. He does the same thing and starts to giggle.  So I start to argue with him and the whole time he is copying me and exaggerating my hand movements by a lot. In an attempt to get back at him I start to imitate his voice really loud and obnoxiously. He throws his head back, cracking his ass off and I just really wanted to punch him in the face but was extremly aware of the fact that Japanese people  don't like having contact with other people so I didn't do anything.

Eventually I started to laugh along with him and that when my cousins called me over, (they didn't seem to notice the entire episode that took place...like in any dream nothing seem to make sense) and I just looked at him and said the only thing that I could....I waved and said "Bye, bye."

He giggled some more but bid me farewell with a "Sayonara" and also waved a bit before going back to his cigarette.

I don't remember anything else really except that I met  up with another band member from Dir en grey I just don't  recall who it was. I barely make out a faint image of a dude with bleached hair and thick glasses....which could be any of them.

So yeah that was my very funny and weird dream with Die.  I loved the fact that this morning when I woke up I was so chipper and happy because I was in a good mood, as though I had actually met the guy and had this funny encounter with him.

I want to have more dreams like that. They say if you think really hard  about something when you go to sleep, you might dream about it. I got to test that theory out. (^.^)

Just got home from work...I'm tired...and going to bed....


^.^

I drew this......a while ago......



....and forgot to put it up. I'm working on another one now
it's coming out pretty good. I'll post it when I'm done.

So I'm having lunch with my grandmother and everything is fine and dandy. Then I get a phone call.....

How typical for news to travel like that, no? Anyway, I got the biggest slap in the face today. See, the reason why I was going to China, was because  we have a relative who is married to some who is a scientist (the type that travels to third world countries with poor agricultural conditions) he's like a professor to top it off so yeah he travels quite a bit. Anywho there were going to be some Science convention in China where he had to give some speeches and that was when my mother jumped and said it would be really neat if I went with them. For three months  we were buying clothes and getting stuff ready for when the big day came. My mother was convinced the price of the ticket would be one thing and it turned out that the people who were organizing the whole thing clarified the amount.  It was fucking expensive (Like even more that what fucking expensive usually is). So the phone call was from him (the scientist) and he is giving me the prices of the tickets. It's was about 2,500 dollars. Obviously we can't afford that. So I had to call my mother and tell her what was going on. She sort of sighed and said, "I'm sorry you ca't go. I didn't know it was THAT expensive."

You know what, I somehow knew that I wasn't going this year. There was something in the back of my mind that kept saying this was just too good to be true. And hell that  little something was quite right.

Steph, Carmen, Karina..... I'm not going to be able to get you the authentic Pocky. (>.<)

Well yeah I'm sad but on the bright side I sort of got this idea in mind. My sister and her husband are gonna go to China in April next year and my mom said it would be fine if I tagged along with them. I started to think, since I'm working now and I'm getting about $120 a week I could earn enough money to buy the ticket myself.

In the end maybe it was better not to go now. I don't know. But honestly if there is one trip I am really looking forward to, it's the one where I go to Japan with all of my friends. I'd love to see Karina in one of those building arcades, especially one with DDR on one of the floors. I'll just hide when Carmen finds herself in one of those places. She's scary when she is focused and angry.

Well I was looking at stuff online and I realized that even since before school ended, I haven't posted a single entry onto my lj and that is just terrible because a lot of stuff has happened.  Let me begin by saying that I am employed and when I finally looked at my paychexks I realized that just like all the other adults, I am also starting to pay taxes. Whatever, I'm happy and it feels good to say that I'm working. I'm trying to save up all my money for when I go to China. Yes, I'm happy! It's obviously not Japan but to hell with that, it's in Asia and I'm going to enjoy it. At least now when I eat with chopsticks I won't recieve the strange looks that I get when I eat with them here.  We are gonna go to Hong Kong, Shanghai, and Guan Zhoo<---idk how to spell that one and another place that I forgot at the moment. All that aside, my summer has been good. I've been able to get ahead with my story. I'm liking the way it is coming out. ^.^ I completely re-did the entire first chapter because the original I did was not making me happy. I still have to polish it, but I guess I'll post it up some other time. In addition to writing, I've also had a lot of time on my hands to draw. I don't know when but I'm also gonna have to frame up my giant playing card and I'm, thinking of redoing it because I don't like the way the background came out for one of them. Oh I also got together with Carmen and Karina and Ray and Michelle (had quite a few fangirl moments with that girl) and Adriana so that was fun and just a few days ago I went to Elias's house for his birthday party. That thing that sucks is that I had to leave earlier that I wanted to so I was a little upset when I left, but other than that I had losts of fun.

Well that's been my summer and a general update on my life. Not bad for the fist month of summer, thought I wouldn't mind hanging out with my fangirl buddies more often.

I"M HAPPPY!
Eeeep! My history teacher is one that gets me made a lot because of his terrible mood swings, but I am so frickin happy. I no longer have to do that presentation that was going to last 35 minutes. My teacher apparently got so mad with the first two projects that he decided bot to have the other students present. SO THANK YOU TO MR.JONIDES'  first and second period. You guys rock my socks. Oh And I took my AP exam tofay. I'm pretty sure I bombed the first half but I'm pretty confident about te essyas.

A crack of light slips through my fingers

I wake up cold

Where am I now

What’s this life for

 

Faint strokes of white color the air

It’s getting a little harder to breathe

When did it happen

Why was it you

 

I reached out but it was impossible

I tried to call out but it was futile

The way things are, I’d be lying to myself

If there had ever been a chance

It got lost in the inflexibility

That was the foundation of my pride

 

A voice that never demanded attention

A psyche that earned respect

Such a subtle state of being

Never tainted by arrogance

 

My hand can’t even fathom your mind

It entangles me even further

I can’t get away

I don’t want to get away

I want to get away

 

I reached out but it was impossible

I tried to call out but it was futile

The way things are, I’d be lying to myself

If there had ever been a chance

It got lost in the inflexibility

That was the foundation of my pride

 

Pretty honey eyes, I see the one in your gaze

The lovely shades of red that color your cheeks

How it burns and stings inside

How this feeling doesn’t subside

 

Too naive to understand

And yet wise enough to care

I want to scream those words to you

I want you to be mine

 

I reached out but it was impossible

I tried to call out but it was futile

The way things are, I’d be lying to myself

If there had ever been a chance

It got lost in the inflexibility

That was the foundation of my pride

 

The green monster within remains chained

Forever restless and insane

Tearing my insides with it claws

Ravaging my words with its jaws

 

A crack of light slips through my fingers

I wake up cold

Where am I now

What’s this life for

 

I reached out but it was impossible

I tried to call out but it was futile

The way things are, I’d be lying to myself

If there had ever been a chance

It got lost in the inflexibility

That was the foundation of my pride

 

Well today was rather uneventful. One my friends picked me up and I went to her house to work on a history project.  We actually fnished the board today which made me and the two other people I was working with very happy.  I'm sure the fourth person that did go today will also be very happy too. I'm gonna go to her house again tommorrow. Hopefully we get organized and figure out what it is and in what order it is that we have to present all the material.

At least one of the grades is down and it is, not to brag, an A+ board.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
If only I felt as confident about the prentation itself. Which is about 35 minutes long. (>.<)

         For some strange reason, even as I write, I don't feel at all worried about the fact that I still haven't started on Ms. Johnson's portfolio. I don't think it is because I don't care, because I do. It's more like, I feel as though I can handel staying up a couple of nights or so to get all these papers done before school next Monday.
          Either way, there are far more important things. Like what I feel at this moment. This intense desire to get  my thoughts down and say thank you.
          About a month  ago I had a small kidney infection that became quite the big deal when I began to realize it had already been a week and it didn't seem to be getting better.  It had happened to me before, I would feel some discomfort when going to the bathroom, but after a day or two it was gone. Anyway, that whole thing blew over and when I went to the doctor he got really worried, because the infection seemed to be getting worse, much faster than in any other person's had gotten.  The pills I had started to take didn't seem to be effective at all. I still felt pain, they gave me these intense urges to throw up and I even started having blackouts. The doctors talked about stones and other impurities obstructing the flow of blood in my organs. At one point one of my relatives even slurred the word dialysis. When I found out what it was I freaked out. But we went to Mercy Hospital and they started me on another treatment. This time there were no side-effects to make me feel even worse and the medicine actually worked.
          During the time I was sick, I hated everything and everyone around me. I hated hearing people laugh while my abdomen and lower back throbbed with a searing pain that to this day I still can't even describe. When they told me that if worse came to worse they would perform surgery on me, I seriously thought, maybe I can die and all of this confusion, all this anger and frustration and disappointment in my body, will disappear.
        Now that I look back at how dark I was feeling, I sort of laugh at myself and shake my head, "Geeze Andy, what was the matter with you?" But thanks to that  disturbing experience, I was also able to realize just how much I really needed to open my mouth and vent off when asked, "What's wrong?"
          Up until that moment I had been holding a grudge against the whole world. I had never realized how my attitude was affecting my relationships with my friends, my family, and even the damn pharmacist at Walgreens who provided me with my prescriptioned drugs. I got so caught up in shutting the world out because of the silent anger searing inside of me, that I didn't realize just how stupid I was being. How even though I badly wanted people to look at me just to ask me if I was okay, I held it in until the lump in my throat  felt too large to swallow and I would crumble, crying on my pillow at night. My mother and father were strangers to me and the only person I held the hopes in confiding anything to, (my sister) was all the way on the other side of the Earth in China with her husband.
          Then one day, the thing that I had been longing for revealed itself to me in the shape of a person I had close to me all along. I was so warped with self pity that it never occured to me a relief to my problems was there.
          "What's wrong?" I was asked.
           The words sounded so lovely.  I  tried to hold that icy front I had been keeping with everyone. I tried to hold that distance of arms length between me and that person. But they were too warm for me.
          My voice shook a little as I uttered a cold "Nothing."
          And then......I started to melt.
           No matter how many times I gazed at the celing in order to force the tears back into my eyes, they kept flowing. The lump in my throat bobbing up and down each time I sobbed. I spoke to them in a quite voice, but for me it was like screaming,......and it felt amazing. Liberating.
          I didn't look at that person too much cause I felt so embaressed, ranting on about myself like a spoiled little girl. But at the same time I knew.....I knew she wasn't judging me. All the gushy, black words, carefully soaking her and then evaporating into thin air  because of what amazing warmth she was.
          My chest felt the same as butterfly did when it slipped out of its cocoon.  Moist from the substance that held its existance and cool with the sweet spring air that would brush against its new body.
          "Silly....." she said to me.
           I was disheveled, lying there so exposed with my thoughts splayed. I looked at her with puffy brown eyes and started to laugh. It felt so wonderful to laugh again.  Then the both of us started giggling like 'fan-girls' and I was free.
           Friendship doesn't seem to do the bond we have, justice. The word sounds hollow and fuzzy. To hell with it , you're my sister too. The person that has ever truly been there to yank me out when my own foolishness is what smothers me.  The only person I have ever allowed to see the real me.

        This may come as a bit corny, but I honestly don't care (^.^). Somethings are better said when they are written down.
  
        You seem to be the only one that can withstand my abrupt mood swings.
 
        The one that doesn't get sick of reading my stories.

        Or hearing my complaints.

        The one that makes me laugh.......really....really.....really hard.


       



......You're the best Onee-chan!


Onegai......don't kill me the next time we see eachother. (>_<)

I feel like the biggest bitch of life. (>.<) For approximately four months, I've been tutoring my cousin who came from Colombia. He doesn't speak English very well but he understands a lot and knows how to get by very well. He actually surprised me because he reads at the level of a sixth grader (one level bellow his) which is pretty friggin good. (Goes to show how bloody good education is in the so-called developing countries.) Anyway he has one major flaw and that is that he is freaking lazy as hell and lies too damn much. His mother brought him to the U.S.  and works like a mule to support him. So he comes here and is expected to work in school the same way he would in Colombia and the brat starts going lazy. Obviously his mother is upset and angry. So I’ve been the bad guy in his life for the last few weeks because I’ve been on his case about homework and stuff. He was doing good for a while and I felt like, “okay I can breathe and give him some room too.” Bad idea. He had a C in math and now he is failing it. He had a B in Language Arts and now he has a D. Then there is another D, but it wasn’t there when I was on his ass the whole time. So I’ve been bitchy and have been asking him to sign on so I can look at his grades. Today his mother happened to come early while I was checking them and all hell broke loose.
I’m not saying that he shouldn’t have been yelled at. I have more respect for someone who simply admits they don’t want to do their work. But this kid lies so much. And he swears I’m stupid which pisses me off because putting up with him is no piece of cake. It’s irritating to have someone in the room while you are talking to people online or working on something. I’m someone who enjoys solitude. But still the things this woman said to her kid were horrible. I wanted to cry right along with him. She told him she was sick of him. That she was tired of having to put up with his crap and his lies. That she wanted to send him to Colombia so that if he did in fact become a bum it wouldn’t be because he was by her side. The yelling went on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and my God I felt so bad. I would never say any of those sorts of things to my kid. And I don’t want to hear a mother say that either, especially if it was something started by me.
It’s difficult to raise kids and I’m sure it just gets harder as the years progress and as the times change. I hope that when I have kids of my own I don’t whip them with words like that. I know if my mother ever said that to me I would crack


Now on a lighter note.....I was watching NBC News and as the reporter was doing his thing, my eyes widened when I realized that they were playing this really old Colombian vallenato song, La Gota Fria by Carlos Vives. I happy. Hispanics are taking over the world. YAY! ^.^

Today was very uneventful as opposed to yesterday's adventures at Karina's house. I overdosed on J-Dramas and started watching a  Taiwanese drama......(which I became addicted to with one episode) and stuffed my face with Chinese food. Very Asian day. Anyway, I felt bad I hadn't written in this thing in over a week so it felt like it was about time to do it.  I'm really happy I found the lyrics to one of my favorite J-Songs too.

Last Song: English

I continued wandering aimlessly, all alone
A faint sigh painting a stroke of white
In the ephemeral nature of the changing seasons
Tears overflowed without any reason
"Even now I love you..."

The continually falling sadness changes into pure white snow
Through it all, I raised my head to the sky
Before this body disappears now,  if my wish reaches you
Please hold me tight just once more

We didn't understand each other and hurt each other over and over again
Even at those times you were always kind
I cut myself on the suddenly surrendered ring
As our promises to each other were not granted
"Even now I remember..."

The fading memories are too brilliant as always
I wanted to be closer by
We can't meet again but you were always close to hold me up
Just you, don't change yourself

I can't erase those last tears you showed me

Even if I disappear along with this white snow
I want to always bloom in your heart

We held each other close don't forget that warmth
Even if you love someone else
I'll never let go of the sound the last I heard of your voice
I want to fall into a deep sleep
The continually falling sadness changes into pure white snow
Through it all, I raised my head to the sky
Before this body disappears     now,     if my wish reaches you
Please hold me tight just once more

"Please hold me tight just once more..."


Pretty Ne....the video is even better, but it is really sad.  Yeah, today is a really blah day. I don't really have much to say.

well if anyone looks at this look at the video here:
 http://youtube.com/watch?v=KYMjrAOD1oE
(Carmen I hope YOU enjoy this even more. lol)

Eeeeep! I spent exactly twelve hours on a Hana Yori Dango high. Hah! At least now I've somewhat caught up with Karina and Carmen. (bleh!) Dude. I have never experianced so many ups and down in times spans of about twenty minute. As soon as something good started to happen, something incredibly sad and heart wrenching had to occur. I wanted to scream at the main characters for being so retard and agh!!!! The good side of this is that depite the highs and lows I still like the drama. Well that is.....I'm not gonna stop watching it until I can firmly say, "damn I knew those two were going to end up together" without having to worrying that so serious life altering situation will occur. Anyway, today was a really fun day. My friend slept over, we ate food that way that it is eaten in most parts of Asia, (chopsticks!) and we bake chocolate chip cookies. It was awesome! ^.^ And now I feel really sleepy......zzzzzz......the enrgy is burning out........good night.

Of all the ways to be left off on a cliffhanger for this series WHY WITH THAT OLD GUY?!